Today I am depressed. Very depressed. I have a disease; it does this to me. For a while I knew beyond all doubt that it would be the death of me. Now I am uncertain; I no longer believe that this sickness must end in death. If I indulge it, if I give into it, if I let it define me, then yes it shall lead to that road. It shall end there – in death. Is that my identity though? Am I merely someone with clinical depression? No, I must disagree. I am more than that, so much more.

My thoughts turn religious after a while, ideas melt and reform. I have another sickness, and it need not end in death. I think you have it too. The disease of self. Strongly enough self love is commanded by Jesus, “Love you neighbor as you love your self.” From my childhood I knew this meant I should love others. That was before I understood my other disease. Before I knew what it was to be filled with so much self loathing, so much despair that it hurts. I knew then that I should love myself as I love others and I should love others with unending compassion. The disease of self is not self love but self indulgence. If I give myself whatever I desire, is it even love?

I doubt that very much. We justify denying things to children because it is good for them. We say it is out of love. What then is indulgence? Neglect. To give yourself everything you have ever wanted is to be without everything you have ever needed. Given everything without thought or care. Without let or hinderence. Without concern for if it is good or bad for you. Without concern. Without.

Seems strange to describe indulgence as being ‘without’ anything, but there it is. Indulgence leading to death seems a bit far fetched in the religious sense, but all to close to home in another. To follow after my own and leave the things of God behind is classical sin. It is an infraction of the law. Yet is that not to serious, overly strong? That depends, did Jesus not die for the least of our sins amongst the greatest.

Did the Cross not end in death? That sickness ends there, but life goes on.

Unless I keep to myself all things.

~JCPunk

As I sit here now trying to find an idea, seeking inspiration so that my timetable will stay in tact, I find nothing within myself worth putting to text.  Nothing.  Nothing at all within myself.  There are days that I sit here and type the entirety start to finish without a second thought.  Today I sit here, not much different than I normally am, but today my focus is different.  Today it is a thing on my list – to be crossed off and moved beyond.

Funny how under those conditions not a word of value or a speck of inspiration comes.  Not a witty conclusion or a story comes to mind.   That is the truth of these short little essays.  When written for my benefit and at the whim of when I am ready, I may sit and sit and sit, but it is for nothing.  Such writing is about me, and I am a sinner.  One of little note at that.  When compared against the measure of greatness, I will always fall short.  For what other measure is there of greatness except God most high?

When I tell God to show up, He may, but it is not because I said so, but because He has decided.  No the task is not in putting Him in His place, but reacquainting me with mine.   My place is at the foot of the cross, if I am feeling charitable, or on it if I am honest.  A sinner plain and simple, nothing more, and there is nothing less.

To sit here and think I can manufacture within myself something that changes hearts and minds…. The arrogance of a fallen sinner.  No it would have been better if I started fresh and began anew.  Yet what is the point of hiding this fact?  If I fix my eyes on Jesus and mold my life in that direction, something worth saying will come.

That something always has, and always will be, “Jesus loves you.”  Honestly what more is there to say?  What could compare to those words?  Certainly none of mine – unless that is what I say to you now.

Jesus loves you.

~JCPunk

The other day, whilst cruising about the internet, I saw a photo of a protester.  He had a big sign listing out huge portions of the US population (Democrats, Jews, Muslims, Mormons, Jehovah’s Whitenesses, Atheists, Homosexuals, Transvestites, Rapists, and about 20 more groups) letting them all know, in no uncertain terms that “You are all going to BURN IN HELL.”  That was it; that was his whole message.  Seems so sad.

I do not know this man, and I may never meet him.  I do know that he needs Jesus.  One of the few groups left out of his sign are Christians.  He professes a membership there; I will be among the first to tell you not to judge another’s heart.  The plank is already within your own eye.  So much hate, however, leaves one to question.  Where is the Fruit of the Spirit in this man’s life?  In his picketting of a funeral, I see not love.  I see not kindness.  I see not gentleness.  I see not self-control.  He has a smile on his face, this may be joy.  He seems not afraid of the police there, this may be peace.  He waited for hours so that he could attend, this is patience.

I can find elements of the Fruit of the Spirit in his actions,  yet this I know – he needs Jesus.  I remember Paul saying something about being a resounding gong without love.  It is so very wrong to only tell half of the truth.  In sin there is death, but in Jesus there is life.  It is easy to come down on this man.  His hate is so obvious, and his need for love so clear.  What then of you and I.  Whom have we failed to love?  Whom have we, by our actions, only told of death?

I we really any better?  I often have cause to doubt it.

~JCPunk

Anyone out there remember those “Where’s Waldo” books?  It is really a simple sort of book. There is this guy Waldo in a picture.  Find him.  Growing up where I did, I encountered not merely the phenomenon but also the shock, horror and disgust which got it banned for many libraries.  I will not tell you that I approve of the offending image, nor that I feel it was appropriate, but what followed was equally ridiculous.

I attended a private Christian school at the time.  Every other Friday we received an advertisement (which pretended to be a magazine, but I saw through their ploy)  for books that children of our age would enjoy.  When we got them there was a very simple exercise, read it and circle three books you would like to read.  But then the great Waldo hunt began, once it was public knowledge amongst the teaching staff, we added a new exercise to the mix.  First, when we got the advertisement we would search for all books published by Candlewick (publisher’s of Waldo books) and scribble all over their adds so that they could not be read by anyone.  Then we would look for books to read.  Of course the Waldo books from our library were already long gone.  Later that semester new books appeared in their place.  It seems Waldo could not be kept down so he had been “Christianized” and behold the “Find Freddy” series was born.  Freddy was a good Christian boy touring the great stories of the Bible.  You could find Freddy at the birth of Christ or the Resurrection (seems the Crucification was itself sanitized away).

Fighting from every side, the Church as a whole stole this successful idea as they censored the opposition.  Of course, as their pawn I was told nothing of why we hated Waldo.  For my “protection” I was kept innocent of what was done that merited such rancor.  Instead I was shown the way a Christian community responds to something inappropriate.  With hate, with censors, and with theft.

Sounds to me like somebody missed out on Love your enemies and pray for those how persecute you.  In the end we were their enemies by our choice and where the persecutors rather than the persecuted.  I know Jesus died for these people, that ought to be enough for anyone to show them love.  Ultimately that was not the most appropriate drawing, but the truth can be spoken in love.  It means something when you care enough to be tactful.  The end result of this sad little story is simply this, good caring Christians taught a school of children to hate without reason and without limit.  Go read Matthew 18:6 now.

The other day I was talking with someone about a ministry opportunity. Each of us remained convinced that this ministry was God’s Will, but I, to the one side, could not go and he, to the other, was not convinced it was the very best use of God’s money that we could find.

This prompted my thinking and I haven’t yet been able to put the idea away. Are we really to seek out at all costs the very best use of God’s money? In the end I think no, but let me show you why.

Perhaps a more relevant question is how we decide between two very good uses which is the best? I remember a story about a woman who took a years wages, in perfume format, and broke it on Jesus feet. Those assembled where horrified, yet Jesus called it a good thing. I wonder then if we can really say what is a good and holy without first understanding why this was a great act. I have heard hundreds of sermons preached on this very notion, to sum it up here in this space would be in appropriately brief. Yet I do believe what that all means about the expenses of the kingdom must be part of the answer

Lastly, my own pet theory, how exactly is it that you or I could say that this holy act is less important than than holy act? Are not all the ways of God valuable and worth every sacrifice? How do I judge between two lost souls? Which do I say is worthy of a gift and which do I say should have nothing given unto them? I do not know how this could be decided, and it seems that when I say the “very best” use of God’s money what I do is this: decide for myself what is and is not truly the will of God. If it is a holy and righteous act, then it is God’s will.  To seek the “very best” use of God’s money is more an act of my selfishness and controlling the will of God than it is seeking after Him. It is to say the best of the will of God is not good enough.

The will of God will be accomplished. If you believe that, then there is no very best choice – there is no best choice, there simply is in accord with and in challenge of. His will will be done – on earth as it is in heaven. To insist on a very best is to arrogantly partner with God. He is either Lord or He is not.

~JCPunk

Am I the only one who has gotten tired of the relentless “End Times” discourse?  I remember very clearly being there in kindergarten and hearing the teach tell us not to worry too much about mastering something because Jesus may return before we need to use it.  I recall a similar sort of discussion in my 4th grade Sunday School, in my 7th grade Gym class, and just about every single leaders meeting in a high school ministry I worked with. So much concern for the end of the world, but it really all seems for naught.

Bear with me here, but if Jesus is right about His return, then He should also be right about the circumstances there of.  In Matthew 24:44, Jesus says He is coming when we do not expect Him.  If we speak, then, at every turn of the return of God; what have we achieved?  If we honestly expect the end of things at this very moment, or at the next – have we not by our very actions worked counter to that occurring?  What does that achieve?

I have been often told that the coming end is a great motivator which spurs people onto great acts of ministry, but I have seen those same people years later working no great ministry, serving no people and waiting on God to end things so that their disappointment shall be gone too.  It is a wonderful thing to get your courage in line and go out into the world helping and hearing and ministering to all who have need.  Yet work on a deadline has its timetable.  It is a great thing to prepare the way of the Lord for Him.  All that must come to pass will, but not in our timetable and not in our way of thinking.  The foundations of this earth were laid without our consent and they shall be pulled up with or without our permission.  God shall move on His own, and in the end, it will be all of us who find it unexpected.

You may choose to argue the point.  You may find it to be absurd that we should ignore the coming end.  Jesus Himself told us to put our house in order and to stay awake and sober for when the bridegroom returns.  He did indeed command that, but what is more He commanded a life which lives a love of God and a love of people.  A life which lives out His actions, and models itself after His love and sacrifice is already ready already.  I cannot get my house in order without giving up on predicting the end of things.  To live a life like His, I must live here and now.  I must this very day take up my cross and follow Him – to whatever end.

~jcpunk

Our world likes to speak of opposites, it gives us something to set our progress by.  Am I being good or bad?  Is this a truth or a lie?  Am I being greedy or generous?  Is this someone I love or hate?  From here we rate ourselves – in a fair, non-bias way, of course.  I wonder then about one of the great pillars of Christianity – forgiveness.
What sits opposed to forgiveness?  Grudges I suppose, but I am not so sure it works out in the same way.  I may tell someone the truth and then lie to them.  I may express love for someone only to hate them later.  No mater how I look at it; I just can’t make sense of the idea that I could forgive someone only to hold a grudge later.  It seems to me forgiveness is the end of the line.  I can rate myself and see just how forgiving I have been today, but it wont be anything like an assessment of my honesty.  Either I forgave or I did not.  The majority could be in one category or the other, but there really is no middle ground for half-truths.
What then is forgiveness?  Something so active really needs a story, not a definition. In finding one we need only look to Jesus.  “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”  In the midst of His crucification, Jesus wanted forgiveness for those who were not sorry and those who would continue to cause Him pain and ultimately His death.  It isn’t because Christians are to be spineless, but because you cannot show unconditional love to those who you only conditionally accept.
It is a scary thing when Jesus says in the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us as we forgive…”  or even Mark 11:25.  Forgiveness is not “Pretend like it never happened,” but it is a change in your heart.  Unconditional love requires unconditional forgiveness.  How can I possibly take up a cross and follow Him when all I want to do is make the one who made me cry suffer?  Consumed with my anger and my desire for revenge, my grudge takes me off the path.  If I am lucky, in the end I will find myself back at the foot of His cross – to pick up my own again.
Scarred?  He knows, but from there you look pure as driven snow.  Can you see your neighbor with His eyes?

~JCPunk

Christianity is a religion full of self-proclaimed losers. Think about it: in order to accept Jesus as my redeemer, I must first accept the fact that I am sinful. Living outside of the church will let you think of yourself as a good person because you are not generally a bad one. Inside of the church you are a fallen sinful being who desires estrangement from God. Every sinful act we make shows just how much this is true of who we are. If I am to claim the salvation of Jesus, I must be someone in need of it. All to often we forget that.
“Before I came to know Jesus I was a good person. I lived a fairly good life where I didn’t hurt people on purpose. Then somebody told me about Christianity. In order to come to know Jesus, I had to become the bad guy. Nothing in my life changed right then, but, if Jesus died for my sins, then I must be somebody really bad. I must be someone who deserves to die. Even though I thought of myself as somebody good, I am so bad that I deserve death, but you will never guess what I found instead – Love.” I have heard more than one person articulate this type of reflection, and then I have watched them forget. Soon enough that realization, that I am flawed and broken, is replaced by the idea that ‘God will just forgive me.’
At what cost do we buy our carnal desires. “They spit on Him, and took the staff and struck Him on the head again and again. After they had mocked Him, they took off the robe and put His own clothes on Him. Then they led Him away to crucify Him.” Matthew 27:30-31
I am not so sure, knowing that I caused that, that I could ever call myself a good person. I killed Jesus. I did it again, the last time I sinned. I will do it again, as I ever fail my Lord in so simple a task – “Follow Me.” As Christians we cannot ever claim to be good people – we killed God. I yelled crucify just as much as the assembly.
I am not a good person, but let me tell you about the kind of love that accepts me anyway. I killed Him, but death cannot hold on to Him. Even this day He loves me still. Even this day He gently beckons – “Follow Me.”

~JCPunk

Let me tell you a little story. I ended up in an ethics class one term, these things happen. We are going to begin reading this theorist, and, in the overview lecture, the professor asks the class, “Can you guys name some virtues for me?” An easy enough question, right?
Six students thought so, their hands popped right up. Impressed by the class participation, one of them was selected to name a virtue. The student confidently spoke a single word – “Money.” Nodding their heads in agreement, the other five hands fell.
Recovering, the professor looks to the other five. They look back, almost confused. Undaunted, a recovery is made, and the professor avoids telling these all too quick responders that they are wrong. Another call is made, “Do you have any other ideas for what could be virtues?”
Silence.
At the time I was sitting there in a bit of shock. Not just one, but six people were absolutely convinced that having money makes you a good and morally right individual, not honesty, not loyalty, not love, not bravery, not wisdom – pictures of a few dead figures from American history drawn in green ink on some paper. Is that really where the world stands? Has religion pulled so far out of the world that simple concepts like honesty are lost beneath the almighty dollar?
It must have. The desire to perform, to achieve, has taken over. The world resounds with hollow self-glorification. What Jesus offers is free – it must be less then that which I have earned. What’s mine is mine; I have earned it. I know what I have worked for is excellent. What could Jesus possibly offer a man of my means?
Love. Jesus is God. He died for you; you could not earn this gift. It is free because you cannot afford it. It has value beyond estimation because God gives what is truly good. Money is just paper and ink. My effort is just sweat. Jesus already did the hard part. He already spent more than my life is worth.
Try buying eternal unconditional love.

~JCPunk

There are some stories that we love. As a child I loved David vs Goliath; small guy vs the big guy. The small guy wins. It was great. I really liked hearing about how each time, the underdog succeeded in spite of their failings. They were small, but with God it didn’t matter.
Of course, those are not the only stories in the Bible. Those are just the ones we like. We like to hear about the good guys winning against insurmountable odds. We love Gideon because he took just a few guys and routed a whole army in God’s name. We are not so sure what to do with Job.
We get a little uncomfortable when we talk about Abraham sacrificing Issac to God. It is one thing to praise a great faith, it is another to talk about a man prepared to sacrifice his son in a heart beat because God asked it. We don’t like that so much. We are really edgy when it comes to Job. He was a devout and faithful man, but he was tested. He lost everything. We cry out, “Hey that was not fair.” He was covered with sores and ready to die because it was his turn to be tested?
We love the image of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt, but we side step the 40 years he spent in exile. We love this image of God’s heroes just going in and getting the job done. Their personal lives frighten us. They were ready for what God gave them – and it wasn’t milk and honey. We need to hear of these painful moments in God’s story so that we are reminded that God’s work is not done in an instant, but built into a person’s life. We need to hear these stories so that we remember what God is doing has nothing to do with a single interaction I have but with every instant of every day. These stories of sacrifice and waiting scare us. They should. They call us to a level of commitment that we have not yet reached.
They ask us to sacrifice and wait upon the Lord.

~JCPunk